The story starts out with a very poor family with several children huddled together in their cottage, trying to ward off the winter's bitter cold. There's a knock at the door, and the father answers it to find a polar bear.
Fairy tale. Okay, whatever. What happens next is messed up no matter how you look at it. The polar bear told the father that he would grant the family riches in exchange for the youngest daughter's hand in marriage.
The father says that he'll have to ask his daughter about it. Wait, what? A bear just asked you if it could have your youngest daughter. A BEAR! Maybe he's an enchanted prince or something. Fairy tale. Fine.
The girl says no outright. Good for her!
The father tells the bear to come back in a week. What? What?!
During the following week, the father pestered the girl until she agreed to accept the bear's offer.
FEMINIST RAGE!This father obviously has no love for any of his children, selling off his baby girl for a song to a bear. A polar bear. A large, carnivorous wild animal. I don't care if it can talk; it's still a polar bear.
So the girl leaves with the bear. Imagine how she feels now. She just discovered that her father does not love her at all and she's riding on the back of a beast that could quite easily just eat her, and probably would, once it had had its fill of bestiality. Ew.
The bear asked the girl if she was afraid. She said no, she wasn't. Would you want to admit fear, under those circumstances? Allow the poor girl what little dignity is left her.
The bear takes the girl to a mountain and knocks on a cliff wall. The wall opens up to a magnificent underground palace. The bear takes the girl inside and the wall closes behind them. The young girl should be thinking something along the lines of, "I'm trapped. There's no way out. Oh gods above, please help me." Should be. She's just amazed at how pretty everything is and thinks of how hungry she is and how she would like a bath. I guess she is her father's daughter after all.
The bear gives the girl, who, as is typical of fairy tales, never gets a name, a silver bell. If she needs anything, she's supposed to ring it. Instant escape! *ding ding*
. . .
Dangit.
Actually, she doesn't even try. We'll say she's in shock and isn't thinking clearly. She wishes for dinner and a magnificent meal magically appears. After she has eaten her fill, she decides it's bedtime. *ding* Suddenly she finds herself in a huge bedroom which she assumes is now her room. Reasonable enough, yes? Until she goes to bed and just as she's about to fall asleep, all the lights, including the fire, go out and someone lies down in the bed next to her.
Seriously, what is this? It's not enough to make the girl freeze all night, but you're making her share a room? With a total stranger? Who is this person? Is it a woman? A man? A troll? Perfect. You move into a palace with a bear and have to share a room, and a bed, with a troll. GET ME OUT OF HERE! *ding ding ding ding ding*
Still not working.
It turns out that the mysterious bedfellow is actually the polar bear himself. He changes into a man at night, but no one is allowed to see his face. . . . I'm still creeped out. In fact, I may even be more creeped out now. Yep, I think I am.
Anyway, life continues like this, with the girl passing her days pretty much by herself and spending the nights with the polar bear/man sleeping next to her. After a while, the girl starts to feel homesick. The polar bear told her that she could visit home, but she must promise not to walk and talk alone with her mother.
Um, okay? Honestly, what's with this? Is it okay for the girl to spill her guts to her sister, then? How about her whole family? What is so significant about walking and talking alone with her mother?
Whatever. The girl promises and gets to spend a week with her family. They are now living in comfort in a grand house. Everyone is overjoyed to see her and-
Excuse me?
I could not, for the life of me, find a smiley that conveyed the proper mix of skepticism and annoyance, so this gets a ninja instead.
Moving on. The week goes by and the girl manages to avoid walking and talking alone with her mother, despite her mother's best efforts. Finally, on the last day of the visit, the mother corners the girl and she tells her mother everything. Her mother is horribly worried about the nightly visitor and-
You sold this girl to a bear. NOW you're worried about her safety? Fail.
The mother gives the girl a candle and flint and convinces her to get a look at the man and make sure he isn't a troll or something.
And what does the girl do? You guessed it. She went BACK with the bear rather than staying with her family, and that night, she lit the candle and looked at the man she had been sleeping next to for months. Wrong promise to break, you ninny. You should have stayed home.
Just wait; it gets better. The man is a handsome prince and the girl falls instantly in love with him. In fact, she feels that if she does not kiss him right then and there, she'll die.
. . .
FEMINIST RAGE!
So the girl leaves with the bear. Imagine how she feels now. She just discovered that her father does not love her at all and she's riding on the back of a beast that could quite easily just eat her, and probably would, once it had had its fill of bestiality. Ew.
The bear asked the girl if she was afraid. She said no, she wasn't. Would you want to admit fear, under those circumstances? Allow the poor girl what little dignity is left her.
The bear takes the girl to a mountain and knocks on a cliff wall. The wall opens up to a magnificent underground palace. The bear takes the girl inside and the wall closes behind them. The young girl should be thinking something along the lines of, "I'm trapped. There's no way out. Oh gods above, please help me." Should be. She's just amazed at how pretty everything is and thinks of how hungry she is and how she would like a bath. I guess she is her father's daughter after all.
The bear gives the girl, who, as is typical of fairy tales, never gets a name, a silver bell. If she needs anything, she's supposed to ring it. Instant escape! *ding ding*
. . .
Dangit.
Actually, she doesn't even try. We'll say she's in shock and isn't thinking clearly. She wishes for dinner and a magnificent meal magically appears. After she has eaten her fill, she decides it's bedtime. *ding* Suddenly she finds herself in a huge bedroom which she assumes is now her room. Reasonable enough, yes? Until she goes to bed and just as she's about to fall asleep, all the lights, including the fire, go out and someone lies down in the bed next to her.
Seriously, what is this? It's not enough to make the girl freeze all night, but you're making her share a room? With a total stranger? Who is this person? Is it a woman? A man? A troll? Perfect. You move into a palace with a bear and have to share a room, and a bed, with a troll. GET ME OUT OF HERE! *ding ding ding ding ding*Still not working.
It turns out that the mysterious bedfellow is actually the polar bear himself. He changes into a man at night, but no one is allowed to see his face. . . . I'm still creeped out. In fact, I may even be more creeped out now. Yep, I think I am.
Anyway, life continues like this, with the girl passing her days pretty much by herself and spending the nights with the polar bear/man sleeping next to her. After a while, the girl starts to feel homesick. The polar bear told her that she could visit home, but she must promise not to walk and talk alone with her mother.
Um, okay? Honestly, what's with this? Is it okay for the girl to spill her guts to her sister, then? How about her whole family? What is so significant about walking and talking alone with her mother?
Whatever. The girl promises and gets to spend a week with her family. They are now living in comfort in a grand house. Everyone is overjoyed to see her and-
Excuse me?
I could not, for the life of me, find a smiley that conveyed the proper mix of skepticism and annoyance, so this gets a ninja instead.
Moving on. The week goes by and the girl manages to avoid walking and talking alone with her mother, despite her mother's best efforts. Finally, on the last day of the visit, the mother corners the girl and she tells her mother everything. Her mother is horribly worried about the nightly visitor and-
You sold this girl to a bear. NOW you're worried about her safety? Fail.
The mother gives the girl a candle and flint and convinces her to get a look at the man and make sure he isn't a troll or something.
And what does the girl do? You guessed it. She went BACK with the bear rather than staying with her family, and that night, she lit the candle and looked at the man she had been sleeping next to for months. Wrong promise to break, you ninny. You should have stayed home.
Just wait; it gets better. The man is a handsome prince and the girl falls instantly in love with him. In fact, she feels that if she does not kiss him right then and there, she'll die.
. . .
FEMINIST RAGE!As she leans forward to kiss him, she spills some wax on the guy and he wakes up. Brilliant.
"What have you done?" he cried. In just three months the spell would have been broken. Gee, that would have been nice to know a bit sooner, you blithering idiot. Now, as per the curse, the prince must go to the castle east of the sun and west of the moon to marry the troll princess with a nose three ells long.
lolwut? Um, okay. That's unique, I guess. BTW - 1 ell is anywhere from 27 to 45 inches long.
Anyway, everything vanishes and the girl is left alone in a forest with nothing but the rags she brought with her to begin with. She of course takes the most logical course of action left to her and cries herself sick. Shock, remember.
After she's had her cry, the girl set off to find the castle east of the sun and west of the moon to rescue her true love.
She walked for days and finally came to an old hag. She told the hag her story and the hag told her that she had no idea of the way to the castle, but she would let the girl borrow her horse to ask her neighbor. Oh, and have a golden apple.
Okay, so there's an old lady, presumably senile and practically debilitated, who prefers to live in squalor when she could sell the golden apple and live in relative comfort for the rest of her life. This apple must mean a lot to her, then. And she gave it to a total stranger. Right.
Moving on. The neighbor was another old hag with a gold carding comb. She didn't know either, so she sent the girl to her other neighbor. Care to take a guess who it is? That's right! It's another old hag living in squalor with a fortune sitting in a lump of gold, this time in the shape of a spinning wheel.
The third hag sends the girl on her way with her newly acquired golden apple, carding comb, and spinning wheel to another neighbor. Another hag? No! It's the East Wind!
Rly? The East Wind? No way! I want to meet the East Wind! Awesome!
So the East Wind says he has no idea where the castle is, but his brother the West Wind might know. Does this sound familiar? At least the East Wind doesn't give her any more stuff to carry. He carried her to the West Wind who takes her to the South Wind, who takes her to the North Wind. Motion sick yet?
The North Wind fortunately has been to the castle east of the sun and west of the moon. He says he would take her there in the morning, since it would take all day to get there.
The next morning, they speed off over cliff and cavern, crevasse and chasm, cave and canyon, helter-skelter to the shore of an island. The North Wind collapses within sight of the castle east of the sun and west of the moon.
Hooray! Now the girl can go and save the prince through her cunning plan to . . . um . . . yeah.
The girl goes up to the castle and sits outside playing with her golden apple. Excuse me, what? You walked for days, spoke to three old hags who gave you heavy things to carry with you, traveled with the winds over cliff and cavern, crevasse and chasm, cave and canyon, helter-skelter to this castle to save your beloved prince, and you sit there playing with an apple? What the Belgium?!
And as if it wasn't crazy enough to begin with, it works! The princess with the nose three ells long sees the apple and decides she wants it.
The girl says that she will only trade the apple for a chance to see the prince alone. Princess Long Nose agrees and tells the girl to come to the castle gates at sunset.
Dash it all, I just have to give the girl a name. How about Ninny? That's a good name for this chick.
So Ninny shows up at the castle at sunset and is taken to the prince's room. She rushes to Prince Clod's side-- and he's asleep. Ninny tries all night to wake him, but only succeeds in keeping everyone else in the castle east of the sun and west of the moon awake. In the morning, Ninny is sent back outside.
Ninny tries again with the carding comb. Same deal. Same thing happens. She tries with the spinning wheel. Same deal.
Now, some of the people Ninny had been keeping up all night were some good people held prisoner by the trolls. They manage to tell Prince Clod about the beautiful young girl who had visited him the past two nights and tried desperately to wake him. From that, Prince Clod deduces that Princess Long Nose was giving him drugged wine and resolved to not drink any that night.
When Ninny went in to see her prince, he was wide awake. They swapped sob stories and then set to work on their masterful escape plan: Ninny was going to wash his shirt.
I'm serious; that's the plan. The next day is the wedding and the prince declares that before he marries Princess Long Nose, he wants to see if she's good for anything. He asks her to wash his nightshirt with the drops of wax Ninny spilled on it.
Yeah. I was a little hesitant, but I think this calls for another instance of
FEMINIST RAGE!
"What have you done?" he cried. In just three months the spell would have been broken. Gee, that would have been nice to know a bit sooner, you blithering idiot. Now, as per the curse, the prince must go to the castle east of the sun and west of the moon to marry the troll princess with a nose three ells long.
lolwut? Um, okay. That's unique, I guess. BTW - 1 ell is anywhere from 27 to 45 inches long.
Anyway, everything vanishes and the girl is left alone in a forest with nothing but the rags she brought with her to begin with. She of course takes the most logical course of action left to her and cries herself sick. Shock, remember.
After she's had her cry, the girl set off to find the castle east of the sun and west of the moon to rescue her true love.
She walked for days and finally came to an old hag. She told the hag her story and the hag told her that she had no idea of the way to the castle, but she would let the girl borrow her horse to ask her neighbor. Oh, and have a golden apple.
Okay, so there's an old lady, presumably senile and practically debilitated, who prefers to live in squalor when she could sell the golden apple and live in relative comfort for the rest of her life. This apple must mean a lot to her, then. And she gave it to a total stranger. Right.
Moving on. The neighbor was another old hag with a gold carding comb. She didn't know either, so she sent the girl to her other neighbor. Care to take a guess who it is? That's right! It's another old hag living in squalor with a fortune sitting in a lump of gold, this time in the shape of a spinning wheel.
The third hag sends the girl on her way with her newly acquired golden apple, carding comb, and spinning wheel to another neighbor. Another hag? No! It's the East Wind!
Rly? The East Wind? No way! I want to meet the East Wind! Awesome!
So the East Wind says he has no idea where the castle is, but his brother the West Wind might know. Does this sound familiar? At least the East Wind doesn't give her any more stuff to carry. He carried her to the West Wind who takes her to the South Wind, who takes her to the North Wind. Motion sick yet?
The North Wind fortunately has been to the castle east of the sun and west of the moon. He says he would take her there in the morning, since it would take all day to get there.The next morning, they speed off over cliff and cavern, crevasse and chasm, cave and canyon, helter-skelter to the shore of an island. The North Wind collapses within sight of the castle east of the sun and west of the moon.
Hooray! Now the girl can go and save the prince through her cunning plan to . . . um . . . yeah.
The girl goes up to the castle and sits outside playing with her golden apple. Excuse me, what? You walked for days, spoke to three old hags who gave you heavy things to carry with you, traveled with the winds over cliff and cavern, crevasse and chasm, cave and canyon, helter-skelter to this castle to save your beloved prince, and you sit there playing with an apple? What the Belgium?!
And as if it wasn't crazy enough to begin with, it works! The princess with the nose three ells long sees the apple and decides she wants it.
The girl says that she will only trade the apple for a chance to see the prince alone. Princess Long Nose agrees and tells the girl to come to the castle gates at sunset.Dash it all, I just have to give the girl a name. How about Ninny? That's a good name for this chick.
So Ninny shows up at the castle at sunset and is taken to the prince's room. She rushes to Prince Clod's side-- and he's asleep. Ninny tries all night to wake him, but only succeeds in keeping everyone else in the castle east of the sun and west of the moon awake. In the morning, Ninny is sent back outside.
Ninny tries again with the carding comb. Same deal. Same thing happens. She tries with the spinning wheel. Same deal.
Now, some of the people Ninny had been keeping up all night were some good people held prisoner by the trolls. They manage to tell Prince Clod about the beautiful young girl who had visited him the past two nights and tried desperately to wake him. From that, Prince Clod deduces that Princess Long Nose was giving him drugged wine and resolved to not drink any that night.
When Ninny went in to see her prince, he was wide awake. They swapped sob stories and then set to work on their masterful escape plan: Ninny was going to wash his shirt.
I'm serious; that's the plan. The next day is the wedding and the prince declares that before he marries Princess Long Nose, he wants to see if she's good for anything. He asks her to wash his nightshirt with the drops of wax Ninny spilled on it.
Yeah. I was a little hesitant, but I think this calls for another instance of
FEMINIST RAGE!Anyway, trolls can't wash, so the more the troll princess tried, the muckier the shirt got.
I know. Just roll with it.
Finally, Prince Clod declares that Princess Long Nose isn't worth salt and calls in Ninny as an example of just how worthless the troll princess is: 'Look! Even a human beggar can do that!'
Ninny takes the shirt and, of course, it becomes sparkly clean almost before she even starts washing. The troll princess and all the rest of the trolls are so enraged by this turn of events that they all burst on the spot. This is not a cop out. They all just explode and Ninny has a lot more washing to do.
So Ninny and Prince Clod save all the good people and everyone escapes from the castle east of the sun and west of the moon and they all live happily ever after. Ninja.
I know. Just roll with it.
Finally, Prince Clod declares that Princess Long Nose isn't worth salt and calls in Ninny as an example of just how worthless the troll princess is: 'Look! Even a human beggar can do that!'
Ninny takes the shirt and, of course, it becomes sparkly clean almost before she even starts washing. The troll princess and all the rest of the trolls are so enraged by this turn of events that they all burst on the spot. This is not a cop out. They all just explode and Ninny has a lot more washing to do.
So Ninny and Prince Clod save all the good people and everyone escapes from the castle east of the sun and west of the moon and they all live happily ever after. Ninja.
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