Note: the following is a character piece. The author wishes to assure everyone that she is, in fact, doing very well. Also, trigger warning: depression/suicide.
I am so sick of inspirational stories. It seems like that's all I hear anymore, too. I know everyone is trying to be helpful, but I still feel like they're trying to rub in my face how different I am from them all--Look at what this person went through and still turned out totally awesome. Why can't you be like that? What's your problem? What's so terrible about your perfect life, then? Get over yourself. Just cheer up. You just need to pray more. Is there something you need to talk to the bishop about? No! I don't need to talk to the bishop! Are you saying it's my own fault? I can't cheer up! You think I haven't bloody well tried?! I'm so tired to trying to be strong. Can I just dig a hole and disappear somewhere?
Why am I so hateful? What the hell is wrong with me? I'm so confused. There's nothing wrong with my life. I have the kind of life some people can only dream about. I have nothing to be unhappy about. What's wrong with me? What am I supposed to do?
Turns out I've been sitting here staring at this blank paper for hours now. Not totally blank. I did copy down the first problem. I know I know how to do this. It isn't even hard. Why can't I think?
Missed my classes again today. Oops.
I keep telling my arm to move. It's ignoring me.
Why am I so easily broken?
I don't think I want to die, but it's crossed my mind so much lately . . . I don't know anymore. Maybe I do. I know where to cut and how deep. If I do it in the shower, there won't be much mess to clean up.
I think I know why I keep thinking about dying or wrecking my car or whatever. I actually feel something then. Not just numb. I'm starting to feel less scared about it, though. It isn't that I want to die. I don't want to do anything. Can I just not exist?
can't even cry anymore
there's no good way to tell people you don't want to live anymore
maybe---------maybe if i walk out on that bridge tomorrow, someone will give me a reason to live
there must be one
if there isn't one, i can just jump
someone help me
down Moab way
4 years ago