kthxbai - The Princess and the Frog

If pressed to describe this movie in one word, I would have to say "disappointing."

For those of you who haven't seen the movie, a brief summary:

(spoilers!)

Set in New Orleans in the roaring 20's, The Princess and the Frog is the story of a young woman working at least three jobs to try to realize her late father's dream of opening a restaurant on the river and of a young prince with an ambiguous accent who has been cut off by his family for being a good-for-nothing.

Happy-go-lucky as the prince is, he has no qualms about walking down a dark and deserted alley with a questionable stranger. Said stranger, the shadowman, uses his incredible charisma to strike a deal with the prince's serving man and his mad voodoo powers to change the prince into a frog and the serving man into a copy of the prince, in human form.

The serving man woos the rich girl to help the shadowman gain control of New Orleans for his "friends on the other side." They never really explain how this works.

The prince mistakes our heroine, Tiana, for a princess during a costume party. He convinces her to kiss him, in hopes that voodoo works the same way as fairy tales. Since Tiana isn't really a princess, the spell backfires and they both end up frogs.

Mad shenanigans ensue as the two of them try to dodge the shadowman's minions, encounter an alligator with a severe case of human envy, and try to find Mama Odie.

Mama Odie does pretty much nothing for them, except to send them off in search of their one last hope--Tiana's Best Friend, Charlotte, is the Mardi Gras princess until midnight.

They miss the midnight deadline and resign themselves to being frogs for the rest of their lives. After defeating the villain, of course.

The prince and Tiana marry, and since that makes Tiana a princess, they transform into humans. They return to New Orleans, have an official wedding, and convince the real estate dealers to take Tiana's bid on the building through the influence of Tiana and the prince's friend, the alligator.

And happily ever after yadda yadda yadda.


Okay, let's start with the alligator friend. His very existence is a Big Lipped Alligator Moment. He comes straight out of nowhere, he makes no sense, and he should never be mentioned again. That's three for three.


Next: "It is not slime! It is mucus!"
One and the same, friend. Read you a book.

Okay, for serious now.

I had heard a lot of good things about this movie, and I enjoyed the book that inspired it. I wasn't expecting an instant classic when I went in to this movie, but I was expecting a bit more.

We'll start with the positive.

The villain is pretty cool. He has a legit motive and pretty spiffy magic skillz. What's more, his evil plan actually makes sense.

Most of the characters have real depth. The animation is colorful and fun, especially with the shadows. The heroine's back story is well established and she has bigger ambitions than just to get married.

Don't get me wrong--marriage is a wonderful thing. I just think that a person should have more goals than just marriage. Finding someone to spend the rest of your life with is something that a person has little control over. Also, marriage is just the starting point on a new phase of life, not a destination. Having marriage as your only life goal is like saying, "For my walk today, I'm going out the front door of my house!"

Anyway, moving on.

The songs are fun, but kind of forgettable. Also, they don't seem nearly as great when taken outside the context of the movie. It's like they're only awesome by comparison to their setting, which is sad.

Speaking of setting, I wouldn't have known this movie was set in the roaring 20's if not for wikipedia. The setting seemed like it was just painted on over the movie like cheap varnish. It just didn't feel like New Orleans in the 20's. And it seemed like the creators were aware of that, too, because the movie kept practically screaming, "Hey! I'm in the SOUTH!"

The depth of Tiana's character is wasted when she inexplicably falls in love with Prince Naveen. (Yeah, he does have a name. I guess Disney is making progress.) Tiana and Naveen have nothing in common and are only together for a few hours before they're both ready to tie the knot. What?! Explain, movie! Explain!

Mostly, this movie ranks along the lines of 'okay.' The tipping point for me, though, is the whole bit with the evening star. Disney's been backtracking a lot recently with the whole wish upon a star thing. The way it's handled in The Princess and the Frog takes the cake.

Remember kids, it's not enough just to wish on a star!


You should rely on extortion, too!

The Princess and the Frog rating: borrow it

A Question

The thought crossed my mind to create a new series of posts, either on this blog or on its own, called "Dating 203." The posts would be formatted as lessons on the various aspects of dating and the female psyche that seem to baffle most people. I would like the posts to be peer edited, just to add to the lulz.

My question is, do you all think this would be a good idea? If so, would you be willing to be a peer editor? It would consist entirely of reading the post before I make it public and let me know if it's lame. :)

A Dozen Dumb Things to Do on a Date

We here at the Life and Times realize that there are many, many dumb things a person can do on a date. However, we decided to list only those things within our own experiences.

1. Use crude humor

This is just a turn-off. It brings to mind high school, and no one wants to live through that again.

2. Say "just kidding" after everything you say

Aside from being incredibly annoying, this smacks of insecurity. Also, give the girl some credit. She can probably recognize a joke when she hears one.

3. Go to dinner and a movie for the first date

Dinner and a movie is not a bad date idea. Just be sure to establish that you can both stand each other's company BEFORE you try it. First dates are awkward enough without adding awkward dinner conversation and the awkwardness of sitting next to each other for a good two hours without saying anything.

4. Don't listen to a word she says

I should think this is fairly self explanatory. Rude!

Similarly, don't make the girl carry the conversation by herself. Take an equal part in the discussion.

5. Don't leave a tip

Seriously, if you can't afford to leave a tip, you can't afford to take the girl out. Next.

6. Ask for a student discount at the dollar theater

This could be a good joke. Unfortunately, it was not a joke. See #5. Jerk.

7. Leave the girl no personal space whatsoever

You do not get to sit on her lap. No. Crowding the girl is rude, and it makes her uncomfortable. Just use the same spacing that you do with friends.

Conversely, don't hide from the girl, either. Again, use the same spacing you would with a friend. This is the sort of thing that you have to call on a case-by-case basis, but the odds are good that she won't appreciate a lap warmer on the first date.

8. Check your email. Twice

If you're not interested in the girl, end the date. Otherwise, you're wasting your time and hers.

9. Make the date last eight hours

The best dates are short dates, in our humble opinion. If things are working out, take her out frequently on short dates. If things don't work out, a short date minimizes the time you have to spend together.

10. Be more interested in the xbox than your date

Using the girl to get access to her brother's xbox is despicable. If you're at your date's place and see that there's an xbox, it's fine to play--if she also wants to. If you pester her into playing, you've used her and become a terrible human being.

11. Say "I love you" after dating for only a week and a half

Can you say creepy? My colleagues think I should make allowances, since this occurred in Utah. That's no excuse. Things may happen quickly in Mormonville, UT, but that does not make it acceptable.

12. Go to the temple

I was tricked on this one. A young gentleman in the ward asked for help to do baptisms for family names. I replied that I would be only too happy to help. He then asked if I wanted to make a date of it. Foul!

It's bad enough to plan on a date to the temple, but to trick a girl into one is disgusting. The temple is not an appropriate date spot. No. No no no. The amount of fail involved here is nearly epic.


Thank you, friends. Now go out there and make a heaven of hell!
Ciao!

Happily Ever After in 6 Easy Steps

Every girl wants to live happily ever after with the prince of her dreams! To make this easier for girls everywhere, I have painstakingly gone through every animated fairy tale ever made and condensed the steps to happily ever after in these simple steps!

1. Pretty name

The name is usually the first thing that the prince asks for. It is imperative that your name grab and hold his interest and assure him that you are no scullery maid material. Unless you're a princess disguised as a scullery maid.

Below is a flow chart to use to determine whether or not your name may qualify as a truly 'beautiful name.'


Yeah, I actually can't help you with that one. Maybe introduce yourself to random strangers and keep track of their reactions to your name.

If your name is not as pretty as you would like, find a way to leave without saying your name at all. This will add a bit of mystery to your allure.

If you have money to burn, you could always legally change your name.

2. Pretty singing voice

You get bonus points if you run through a field with your arms outstretched and sing about how you want something more.

3. Pretty face

This one's easy. If you're not born with it, there's always plastic surgery. Just be sure you don't overdo it.


Yeah.

4. Pretty dress

This one can be as easy or as difficult as you choose to make it. You could just go out and buy one, but you'd forfeit big points for mouse-made materials.

5. Animal friend

Magical animal friends are hard to come by these days. If you can't find one, you may have to do with a well-trained squirrel.

6. Prince

Princes are even harder to find than magical animal friends, but it can be done! The previous steps can be done in any order, but it is imperative that this is the final step. It is also the most difficult.

Arrange a 'chance meeting,' preferably near an open field (see step 2). Sing as he comes and make sure you look great. He will, of course, fall in love with you instantly because that's just what princes do.

The chance meeting is the hard part. It may require stalking and other not entirely legal activities. However, all is fair in love and war, and given the extreme shortage of princes, your own happily ever after definitely qualifies as both.

I trust that once you have your prince madly in love with you and your magical animal friend, or at least a squirrel, cheering you on, you can handle it from there.

Happy ever after!